I have to believe we're here for a reason, with all the experiences I've had and miracles that manifested when I needed them most, it's no wonder that the last few weeks which have been SO trying, have also been full of wonderful reminders of the person I used to be. It makes me think that work needs to be done to make a better who-I-am-about-to-be.
Work has been insane. It feels like everyone is going in every which direction, expecting all sorts of disparate things, and I've stopped trying to force it all together or get people to work with each other. In a sense, I gave up, and I hate doing that. Factions are forming, individualism is strangling some parts while causing other parts to grow uncontrollably, with no sense of where values and efforts are best placed. There's no balance and I find myself in another situation where I'm being treated like a doormat. It's terrible and if I had more time on my hands, I'd look for another job. But I'm committed to riding out the storm instead of jumping into the sea because I love what I do too too much. But I've got some plans up my sleeve, as always.
The last 3 weeks I had 3 separate reminders of the bold, force majeure that I used to be, and have somewhat lost sight of. That girl is probably still deep down, but I don't see a lot of her these days.
My dad, upon hearing about my troubles at work, was very sympathetic, but keeps asking me to get my real estate license. Haha! He's so funny. He isn't someone who often pays attention to what makes me tick, so it was the first time in my life where he told me a memory he had of me. He said that when I was young, I used to organize picnics. I would get a bunch of people together, assign everyone to bring a certain thing, and then march off to the edge of the water in Bayside in pretty dresses and baskets full of goodies. He said he even told his friends this story! He said he knew then I was a born leader and so proud. I think I was just really bossy when I was young.
This weekend I saw an old friend from HS who was so cute and handsome when we were young, and has turned into this stunningly attractive guy with the same boyish looks. He was telling a friend of ours that I was like Kristin Chenowith (whoever that is). He said I used to run up and hug him and then plop down on his lap while chatting away, and then suddenly demand we go eat lunch somewhere! I somewhat recall these interactions, but I recall only sitting on his lap because I didn't want to sit on the dirty hallway floors in my clothes! =) And honestly, what better place than on some cute boy's lap in a crowded hallway - it's totally innocent!
Then today, my long lost friend from San Francisco, who I think about often but don't quite know her situation, reminded me of a night a long, long time ago. I don't know how this came to be, but I was locked out of her house and she wasn't home yet. Instead of being a proper young lady and just waiting, I decided to try and break into her house! I remember there were 2 doors - a solid wood one that was open, and a gate-type door on the outside that was locked. It wasn't a solid gate, there were a few small gaps here and there and I could see a ring of keys on a table a few feet away. So I went all MacGuyver and got a branch and used my sock to do something, and I think when they arrived, I was barefoot on one foot stretching into their living room through the door with a large stick! I can't stop laughing thinking about it!!!
My point to all this is that when we're young, we're so daring and focused. And then we grow up, and social norms eat away at things that make up our personality and individuality. Rude and thoughtless people question our best assets and bully facets of us that they don't understand and have no tolerance for. I've been struggling with a handful of things for quite a few years now, one of them being the ability to articulate my thoughts on the spot, and a need for approval and camaraderie that may disguise itself as weakness to the haughty and untrained eye. Artie, John and Vanessa highly recommended therapy while I was out with them this weekend, and I can't help but think maybe it's time to get a few more tools under my belt. I have to get myself to that next level, and some of it may involve rediscovering what a firecracker I was when I was young!
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